College Town Touch down

The Jake Retzlaff transfer saga

The quarterback situation at BYU, in the literal sense of the word is fucked. Jake Retzlaff had premarital sex and was informed by school officials he’d be suspended for 7 games in 2025 for violating the school’s honor code. BYU is commonly known as the school of the Mormon Church, making the honor code quite impossible for a college football player to adhere to. He withdrew from the school after he was notified of the suspension. 

You’re delusional, or at least in denial, if you think Retzlaff is the only horny Cougar up in Provo. Just ask former BYU baller Zach Wilson, who was accused by his (now ex) girlfriend in 2022 of sleeping with his mom’s best friend. That rumor and apparent truth ultimately ended his long term relationship. If you really want to deep dive into the sins of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints then you can look up soaking on your own time. Football players around the country have always reaped the benefits of their status on campus by indulging in some promiscuity. BYU’s strict rules due to their association with the Church Educational System hurt their chances on the field. 

Retzlaff is Jewish. In fact he is the first ever Jewish quarterback to play at BYU. The honor code never mattered to him, he was just trying to play football at the highest level he could. Fans who supported Retzlaff at BYU, especially after he led the Cougars to a 9-0 start, coined the nickname “B-Y-Jew”. Unfortunately for those fans, the B-Y-Jew is headed to Tulane, a place some early buyers in Retzlaff stock are affectionately calling Jewlane. 

Retzlaff had over 3,000 total yards for BYU last year as well as 26 total touchdowns. He’ll compete for the starting spot at Tulane and likely win it. As of now he is a walk-on, which will quickly change when he’s named the starting quarterback for the Green Wave this fall camp. 

Tulane was busy in the portal this off-season and signed quarterbacks TJ Finley, Kadin Semonza, Donovan Leary, and now Retzlaff. Tulane was Finley’s 5th school in 6 years, and is no longer with the team after being arrested for illegal possession of a stolen vehicle. Semonza started every game last season at Ball State and went 3-9. Donovan Leary transferred in from Illinois and has 29 career passing yards. Clearly Retzlaff’s decision to head down to New Orleans was motivated by some chatter from the program that he would be the starter. Tulane’s QB situation is now fixed after having to replace last year’s starter Darian Mensah after he left for $4 million at Duke.

Every quarterback is looking to start, get paid, and have premarital sex. Surely New Orleans, Louisiana will check all of those boxes for Retzlaff. Tulane opens the season at home on August 30th against Northwestern.

As for BYU, their QB room is now full of virgins, just how they like it. Just like in the bedroom, the signal callers for BYU have no experience on the field. McCae Hillstead is the projected starter, and he has 4 career starts, all with Utah State in 2023. He threw 11 touchdowns and 8 interceptions. Treyson Bourguet, who transferred from Western Michigan before last season, has 8 listed starts in his career and has thrown 6 touchdowns. Bear Bachmeier is a true freshman who signed with Stanford in 2024 and has now transferred in this May. 

Whoever the starter is for BYU, they won’t be as productive as Retzlaff was in 2024. After an 11 win season last year, they now have a win total set at over/under 6.5. Some charisma is always good at the quarterback position, BYU will look for it in their season opener on August 30th against Portland State.