College Town Touch down

The misty Maryland morning softened the grass, making other football fans weary to park on it. I didn’t feel like prolonging the already exhausting search for a spot, and I certainly was no longer willing to share the road with Maryland drivers. I was happy to finally have my feet on the ground. It was September 7th. A cool night invited the morning dew onto the lawn in front of SECU Stadium, home of the University of Maryland Terrapins. We had arrived there around 10 AM for a 3:30 pm kickoff against the Michigan State Spartans. Maryland was the second stop on our 2024 College Town Touchdown football tour. Still green to game days around the nation, our only prior experience was the week prior, when we had witnessed the Mountaineers of West Virginia take on Penn State. An eventful weather delay highlighted that journey as well as underwhelming tailgate food and a chance encounter with the legendary Harry from Manchester, but that’s a story for a different time. 

The tour was an experiment that the CTTD crew and I had found to be successful so far. It was multitudinous in its reasons for creation. As a former college football player myself, the tour was an attempt to fill the void of retirement that coaching high school kids couldn’t. Having played for 15 years, my entire identity was built around being a football player. That can quickly become an identity crisis if not for attempting to come to terms with the end of my playing career. There was a notion that maybe being able to fully indulge in game days across the country could quench the thirst for that football feeling. The truth is, nothing can compare to what it’s like to suit up and go smash heads for three hours, but this gave us a unique and exciting view of a fan’s perspective of college football. The tour was also a uniquely fun motive to push myself outside the little corner of the country I was often confined to. 

I got out of the car and helped the crew get situated. “Pretty good energy here.” The crew said. 

“Yeah, I need a couple shots.” I sighed. The tour was also considered a means to potentially create some entertaining content, though I honestly hated the “man on the street” trope where some guy is approaching strangers asking provocative questions. Since most people only have the attention span for short-form video, it is the perfect formula to grab an audience and gain popularity. My anxiety was met with the bottle of tequila and a lime we had packed in the cooler. It was easier for me to approach strangers with the help of an upper. With around five hours to kickoff, the sprawling brick campus was already buzzing. So was I after breaking my fast with 4.5 ounces of Don Julio. The crew held the lime and the camera for me as I choked down the third shot. 

“I thought you said a couple.” They asked.

I took the lime and gnawed off a chunk, cringing as I did. “A couple more than one, I guess. I’m looking to get in the mix.” I was eager to get started. I put the bottle back in the trunk and closed it. 

“The latch is broken; remember to shut it tight.” The crew reminded me. 

“I already did, we’re good. No more nitpicking, please.” I said, probably rudely for no reason, letting my nerves get the best of me. 

Like most of our stops in various college towns, we wanted to start at the bookstore. We didn’t have any Maryland gear and needed to blend. The game day traffic forced us towards the center of campus to park, so the bookstore was only about a 15-minute walk. 

The path to the store led us through the stadium parking lot. Well before we had gotten there, police had blocked off the entrance to the lot by car. The field house to our left blocked the view of the lot as we approached. The access road was lined with team buses, ambulances, golf carts for trainers and school personnel, band equipment trucks, food vendors and maintenance vehicles, just adding to the chaos of the day. We turned the corner of the field house, unveiling a sea of tumult. Huge circus tents in the center of the lot towered over the sprawling field of red tents and chairs scattered about. About a thousand Maryland state flags were flying. There were campers and vans decorated in Terrapin red and black, and yellow. There were students and alumni, and parents playing drinking games and grilling, playing yard games and throwing around footballs. Every spot in the lot had a tent with several chairs or tables and food, and alcohol. Aisles and aisles as far as the eye could see of drunks and party goers playing loud music, frat boys trying to get laid, and buzzed up college girls dressed to the nines looking for that perfect Instagram photo dump. 

The four huge tents that looked as if they belonged at a circus towered above the rest in the center of the mayhem.. They were decorated as the Maryland flag, and had school logos and mascots emblazoned on the sides. There was a commotion around them. The crew, getting as much as they could on camera, turned to me. “Maybe we should just get in there and start asking questions.” 

I said, “We as in me, but yeah, I’m kinda thinking that too. Maybe let me get a sipper. Tequila has mostly done its job, but a cold one wouldn’t hurt.”

The crew agreed, “Lots of sippers around here, you could just yoink one from a cooler.” 

“I feel like I can just ask somebody, no? Plenty of drinks to go around with this crowd.”

“Yeah, try it.” The crew started filming again.

I scanned around me to search for the most approachable tent. We seemed to be in a section where most of the Greek life decided to be. Fraternities bobbing for beers in coolers and ravenously gripping each other up deterred me from engaging. I felt that if I were to get a beer from them, it would require some homoerotic or violent initiation process. I noticed a girl observing the frat tent from across the way. She looked disinterested, holding her own bottle of beer and not garbed in any fan gear, just like me. I walked up to her while brainstorming an icebreaker, just hoping to get access to the cooler where she got her Corona. 

“I heard it’s your turn to get wet.” That was all I could muster up as I moved towards her. 

She cringed, “What did you just say to me?” 

Realizing what I had just said to a woman who was a stranger standing by herself, I stammered and backpedaled. “I just meant, like the uh… over there, I thought you were looking at them over there.” I gestured towards the brothers. 

“I’m just fucking with you.” She snickered at me. “My sister is next in line.” 

I looked over and right on cue, a sister was being held up, bobbing for beers while her friend tried to keep her skirt from flipping up. She emerged from the cooler, soaked by the murky water, with a can in her mouth.

I turn to the girl I’ve just met. “When you say sister, are you saying sorority sister, or like you have the same parents as that superstar?” 

“That’s my actual sister, Dana. My name is G. I don’t even go to school here, I’m just visiting her.” She smiled and reached out to shake my hand. 

“G it’s good to meet ya, I’m TD and this is the crew.” I gestured behind me as the crew was filming.

“Sup.” The crew said dryly. 

“Do you guys want a beer? I won’t make you bob for one, we have our own over here.” G asked.

I glanced at the crew and quickly accepted. “Yeah, we’ll take one!”

“I’m actually all good.” The crew said. G led the charge towards the cooler under the tent of her sister’s sorority. The crew pulled me behind as we trailed. “She gives me mysterious vibes. Head on a swivel.”

“Literally, how?” I replied. “Free beer, and it seems like her sister, who actually goes here, is having a good time. Let loose a bit.” 

“It would be easier to let loose if you’d let me sip too.” Said the crew. 

“Somebody has to get us home unless you wanna spend a grand on a hotel.” I snapped. “Keep the camera rolling, this is good content.” 

“Okay, superstar.” The crew said sarcastically. 

We got to the cooler, and G handed me a Corona. I popped it open and took the lime she held out for me. It was easier than we thought to get free alcohol. Everyone around us was playing games or singing along to the music. Some were simply drinking as fast as they could, and others were congregating in groups to make their way to the bathroom. The tailgate was going exactly how we wanted it to. It seemed everyone around us was trying to one-up each other. Everyone was getting very drunk very fast. 

“So are you in school?” I asked G.

“I used to go here. Partied a little too hard.” She said. 

“Is that so? I would’ve taken Dana as the party animal, not you.” 

“Oh, I was ten times worse than her when I was here. I would’ve been bobbing for beers with my tits out after a couple shots and lines. It’s better for everyone that I’m not here anymore.” 

I studied her for a second. “I would’ve never guessed.” I didn’t know what else to say. I just met the girl, and I’m not a great judge of character. She could’ve been a serial killer for all I knew, but I was just trying to be nice. “How often do you visit?” 

She hesitated, “This is my first time back to be honest.” 

The answer just gave me more questions. The hesitation seemed nearly intentional, as if she wanted me to inquire. The crew had wandered off filming some of the commotion. G felt more comfortable sharing off-camera. 

“I had a — “ 

“MASCOT MAYHEM! SIGN UP FOR THE HALFTIME SHOW!” 

Just as G was going to tell me why a fear had come over her when talking about her college experience, along came Testudo. He was a 6-foot-tall turtle. He was brown and tan, with a big red “M” on his chest and torso. He had a beak-like face and cartoonish black piercing eyes. He was accompanied by a couple of students in athletic polos and khaki pants. He was still a good 40 yards away from our tent, but his students acted as heralds, announcing his arrival. He high-fives drunk fans and students, waves to the children around him and continues to follow his guides. Every once in a while, they’d stop and hand someone their clipboard. People were signing up to have a chance to be selected for the halftime show. 

The crew returned to film the mascot, and Dana returned, soaked from the waist up, to find her sister. As Testudo and his crew were slowly making their way towards our tent, Dana found G. 

“I thought you were going to go right after me!” She greeted her sister with a playful inquisition. 

G answered, “You had to know I wasn’t going to do that. Moral support only.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Dana said. “You made some friends?” She gestured towards the crew and me. 

Before G could speak, I answered, “I’m TD, this is the crew. We’re visiting today, trying to see what goes down on a game day in College Park.” 

Dana seemed to enjoy my answer. “Well, if you’re here to see about game day, then this is a great place to start.” She pointed at Testudo, who was 10 feet away now. “You should sign up to do the halftime show!” 

The crew looked at me and shrugged. I couldn’t tell if they had abandoned their doubt or just didn’t care what I did anymore. 

“Yo Testi over here!” I flagged down the turtle. 

He didn’t like that. His head snapped around, and he approached with his crew. He took a break from high-fiving fans and stood with his henchmen as they took my information. 

The first henchman probed, “You think you can disrespect our mascot and still get selected for the show?” His face was twisted with frustration. I could feel the turtle staring at me, expressionless. He was a mascot turtle so he couldn’t make any faces. 

Before I could respond, G chimed in. “He doesn’t go here, he didn’t know. Just get his name on the list.” They took my information and jotted me down on the sheet. 

Testudo quickly seemed to hyperfixate on G. He moved closer to her and looked her up and down. He threw his arms in the air, pretending to be shocked. He went in for a hug on G. She was confused and hugged him back. G looked at the crew with a face of discomfort, looking for a way out. As the hug continued to linger, Testudo’s boys urged him on. “Ight, let’s go, Test, need more applicants for this halftime show.” They looked me up and down one last time before they strolled along.

“So was that not weird as fuck?” I asked the group. 

G was still mulling over her answer when Dana said, “Eh, they just have some egos, no big deal.” 

“I meant the turtle.” I smiled. “Seems like he had a thing for you, G.” 

She smiled back, “He just might.” 

This felt ominous to me. The more we talked to her, the more mysterious she became. I tried to revisit the conversation we were having before Testudo and his boys interrupted us. “So before, when you were talking about transferring out of here, you said you had a… had a what?” 

“It’s not even worth it. I’m here now.” She smiled. 

Dana gave her some side eye. “Let’s make our way into the game!”

Dana and G led us towards the stadium with a ton of their friends. The crew and I were at the back of the pack. “Feel weird yet?” They asked and smirked. 

“Yeah, I’ll be honest, that was a fuckin’ whirlwind.” 

The crew laughed, “I told ya. Just stay close at all times.” 

We continued our walk towards the stadium. It towered over campus, the crowd at the gates below looking like an ant colony scrambling back into the hill. Commotion and excitement buzzed around the entrance. Plenty of fans had been over-served and were enjoying the camaraderie of the afternoon. We had lost Dana and G to the front of the crowd. 

When we entered the student section with the group, we were approached by a frat friend of the girls. “You guys alright?” He seemed to be genuinely concerned. He sat on the bleachers next to us.

The crew responded first, “Yeah, what’s up?” 

“Just checking, I saw you guys were hanging with Sam and didn’t know if you needed saving. I’m Carl, I’m a pledge.” He put his hand out for a shake. 

I shook his hand, confused. “Sam?” 

He smiled, “Ah, I’m sure she told you her name is G. Sam Garber. People called her G. Self-proclaimed nickname, those creep me out.” 

Sick of the ambiguity, the crew snapped back, “Pledge Carl, what the fuck are we talking about here?” 

“Woah, don’t shoot the messenger, pal. What are your names? Come walk with me and we can talk.” 

Reluctantly, we agreed. “I’m TD, this is the crew. We are loving our time here in Terp town.” I moped and followed Pledge Carl with the crew right behind me up the stairs.

Interrupting us was the national anthem. We had almost forgotten we were there for a football game. Pledge Carl stopped in his tracks and took off his trucker hat. He turned and faced the flag, put his hand over his chest, and gestured for us to do the same. We obliged.

In what felt like the 8th minute of the anthem, I noticed G, standing in the student section on top of her bleacher seat, trying to make eye contact with Pledge Carl. Finally, they locked eyes. She was slashing her throat with her right hand, shaking her head no, while Pledge Carl just smirked. The anthem ended with a flyover, and as the crowd erupted, Pledge Carl led us up the stairs. 

“Where are we even going?” The Crew asked Carl. “Why can’t you just explain to us here?” 

Carl looked back over his shoulder in the direction of where G was sitting. “Because I want a Crab Pretzel before the first touchdown. Let’s get a move on.” He walked faster up the steps. I looked back, too and noticed G trying to make her way towards us through the chaos of the student section. We got up the steps and lost her in the crowd in the concourse. 

Still walking around the stadium following Pledge Carl to the pretzel stand, he finally starts to elaborate. “So obviously you’ve caught wind that Sam is pretty shady.” 

The crew glanced at me. “Yup.” 

“She doesn’t even go here anymore. The last time I thought I’d see her was this past spring semester. Have you ever had a crab pretzel by the way? It’s got cheese in it too, and they warm it up, so fucking good bro.” 

“Can you just get there, Carl, please, brother?”

“Sorry, so anyway, my g-big Dave used to date her. They were so toxic. It was Joker and Harley type shit, man.” He shook his head as he seemed to reminisce.

“We don’t know what a g-big is, Carl.” The crew was tired.

“Right, so that’s basically my older brother. He’s two years ahead of me. He’s the big of my big, basically just someone you can do everything with and be close with, making it a familial relationship. Anyway, she used to have this thing where she would like to watch Dave beat people up for her. She’d flirt with guys and even take them home sometimes, just so Dave would get mad and beat the hell out of them for messing with his girl.”

“My fucking god, this is why we don’t talk to strangers.” I couldn’t believe it. 

Carl continued, “So yeah, I think you see where this is going. Everyone said they had broken up before the end of the semester last month because he didn’t beat up the last guy she took home. He ran and Dave couldn’t catch him. She’s back, though, and one of the guys who works with Testudo is very close to Dave. I saw you talking to him, his name is Casey.”

 We had gotten to the pretzel stand. “I haven’t seen Dave at all today, so you might be in the clea- are you fucking kidding me, they’re out of the crab pretzel!” He studied the menu in disbelief.

“Thanks for your help, Pledge Carl…. What frat are you in?” The crew asked awkwardly. 

“Quadruple Psi, it’s like a mile and a half from here, right by the highway exit.” He let out a fifth sigh as he double checked the menu with the crab pretzel crossed off.

The crew and I walked back towards our seats, and left Carl to his mourning. “What do we do now? Just leave?” I asked the crew. 

“Well, the whole point of being here was content, and I left the camera at our seats.” 

“So I guess we’re going back to our seats.” 

We didn’t get very far. About halfway back to our seats, Tesdudo’s boys approached me. I was unsure which guy was Casey. 

“You’re TD! We’ve been looking for you, pal. You’ve been selected for the halftime show!” One of them said eagerly.

I didn’t know if they had forgotten our earlier interaction or just didn’t care.

“Awesome! Just one second.” I turned to the crew seeking advice. 

They leaned in, “This is good content. We know you’re not getting jumped if you’re out on the field. I’ll film this, and I’ll have the car ready after halftime, and we can roll out. You’ll probably just have to do a relay race or something stupid.”

I turned back to the boys, “Alright, where are we going?” 

The crew patted me on the ass, “Good luck, kill it.” 

I followed the henchman, and the crew made their way towards our section. The game was already in the middle of the second quarter, and I hadn’t watched one second of football. They led me down into the main concourse and underneath into the employees-only section behind the grandstands. They opened the door to a small room. There was a folding chair facing a TV with the game playing. There was a bottle of water and a soft pretzel, no crab or cheese. 

The boys smiled at each other. “Wait here, and someone will come get you when it’s time for the halftime show.” They closed the door behind them. 

I sat back in the chair and tried not to ruminate. I couldn’t stop thinking I was about to get locked into this room and get jumped. I tried to focus on the game, the whole point of the entire situation. Michigan State was driving, trying to at least get into field goal range at the half. The experience had me rooting against the Terps. 

Just before the two-minute warning, there was a loud knock on the door. I stood up quickly, my heart suddenly racing. I was ready to fight. The door swung open. A bubbly, familiar voice said, “Are you ready?” It was Dana. 

I was confused as to how she was even involved. She had changed out of her wet clothes. She was wearing a polo, the same as Testudo’s boys. She looked at me and hesitated to speak. “I just want you to know that none of this was my idea. I had no say in this.” That was all she could muster up. 

Pretty confident I wasn’t about to run in a relay race, and happy I still hadn’t met Dave, all I could say was “okay”.

She led me towards the tunnel. The teams had already gotten to the locker rooms. The band was on the field now. I could hear the music get louder as we got closer to the entrance of the tunnel. Building up the anxiety in my chest, I could feel the bass drum in my sternum. My throat was dry, and my breaths were short. Time seemed to be slowing down and speeding up all at once. The energy of the crowd was a loud chatter that built as I approached the light, onto the field. Dana passed me off to Testudo’s boys, Casey and whoever the fuck. 

The shorter of the two explained, “Alright, are you ready? The band will March off, and it will be your turn. You’ll be at the 50-yard line on the Michigan State side, and you’ll walk towards the logo at midfield as you’re announced.” 

“Yeah, I can handle that. What exactly am I doing?” 

They looked at each other with their same ugly smirk. “You’ll see.”

The stadium was full. It seemed more full than when the actual game was being played. I walked towards the 50-yard line across the field. 

A booming, info-mercial-esque voice rang over the loudspeaker. “Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like you to bring your attention to midfield. It is time for the second edition of TESTING TESTUDOOOO!” The crowd howled and hollered. It sounded like an overtime game. 

The voice continued, stabbing through my ears as I stood on the far sideline at the 50. “You’ve seen Testudo race and run, jump, and cartwheel across this field. Today we have a special treat! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, TESTUDOOOOO!”

Testudo emerged from the tunnel on the Maryland sideline. He waved his arms and looked around at the crowd as he ran towards midfield. 

“Today, one opposing fan will FIGHT TESTUDO UNTIL KNOCKOUT!” The voice said.
 
The crowd erupted. My heart sank into my intestines. I didn’t even try to explain that I just didn’t have time to make it to the team store.

The voice introduced me to the crowd. “This is the challenger, TD!” The crowd booed and jeered as I walked to midfield. They shouted obscenities and yelled insults. I looked towards the student section and made eye contact with the crew. Their jaw was on the floor, with the camera still rolling. 

As I turned back towards Testudo, the crown of his head was already in my ribs at full speed. I guess there was no need to announce the start. All of the wind left my body as the center of my back was the first thing to hit the ground, and Testudo’s head landed on my sternum. The crowd roared into a frenzy. The number of people who were excited to see me bleed internally was unnerving. Testudo mounted me and stared down on me with the same mascot turtle smirk from earlier. This time, a muffled voice taunted me through the mesh mouth of the mascot. 

“G has a knack for finding the easy ones. I’ve always loved her for that.” 

He tried to rain down punches from above. I dodged to the left and used my momentum to roll myself over and get to my feet. I talked back as Testudo rose to his feet, too. 

“I take it you’re Dave, quite a pleasure.” 

He was proud, “In the flesh” 

I joked back, “Really? It seems like more of a felt situation? Polyester with cotton? I’m not entirely sure I didn’t get a good feel.” 

I threw a punch as hard as I could at his turtle jaw. The mascot’s head felt like iron, and my hand felt like it had gone missing. In the split second I staggered away, Testudo landed a punch that knocked me down. The audience was ravenous, the roar filled my ears along with the ringing in my head. His fist felt hard as a rock. I quickly rose to my feet. 

I positioned myself so I had an angle to look at the student section. The crew was nowhere to be found. I know they said they’d be back at the car. That’s when I remembered what Carl had said. The reason G left Dave. He was outrun. All I had to do was get out of the stadium by outrunning a 6-foot-tall turtle. There will be no slow and steady today.

I had no real plan. I postured and rotated to my left until my back was to the end of the stadium I could exit. I stood straight up from my stance and pointed, confused at something behind Testudo. He couldn’t turn his stupid turtle head, so he had to turn his whole body. 

That’s when I turned and took off. 

The crowd let out a collective shout. I could see myself on the big screen in the stadium. Testudo still hadn’t noticed. I was almost completely off the field by the time he realized what was happening. He sprinted after me. 

I jumped up the steps and ran straight towards the big entrance gate. The crowd was booing loudly. I didn’t care about my reputation here; I was never returning to this school, or the entire state of Maryland, for that matter. 

I burst past security out of the stadium and onto the access road we entered from. I peeked behind me and still no sign of Testudo. 

Finally, when I was halfway to the car, I saw him far behind me. I ran towards the grass where we had parked as fast as I possibly could. Dave had still kept the entire suit on. 

I get to the car in disbelief. The fucking wet grass. The crew was in the passenger seat, pressing the gas as hard as they could. The tires were spinning in mud. 

They had the window rolled down. “I knew we shouldn’t have parked here.” 

I was so flustered, “I get it, you’re always fucking right! You read G like a book! I didn’t fucking know what I was doing! What do I do now?” 

Testudo was a couple of hundred yards away, still sprinting after me. A camera was following him close behind. 

The crew shouted, “Push! Push the car!” 

I got behind the car and started to get it rocking.

Testudo was 100 yards away as the car was starting to escape the mud. I had just seconds.

I pushed as hard as I could. The broken latch on the trunk gave up, and it swung open hard. I could hear Tesdudo’s thunderous footsteps right behind me. I saw the bottle of tequila in the trunk and grabbed it by the neck. I turned around and swung it as hard as I could at eye level, all in one motion. I connected with Testudo’s temple, and he landed flat on the ground. He was out cold. 

His crew stood staring at me, dumbfounded. 

I was shaking with adrenaline and felt like it was a good time to say something witty. 

“Fuck you losers.” Was all I could think of. 

The crew rolled the car backwards over Testudo, using the felt for traction. I slammed the trunk shut and got in the passenger seat. We drove over him one last time. 

“Get us the fuck out of here.” 

“Yeah, working on it.” The crew hit me with some sarcasm one last time. 

I looked back at the crowd tending to Testudo. They had taken his head off, and it was just some beaten dork ex-boyfriend named Dave. I couldn’t believe I feared the guy for a second. All of the ambulances and medical personnel surrounded him, and he was no longer in my sight. We turned the corner off campus, too overwhelmed to speak. 

🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

Ten minutes down the road, we were about to get on the highway, and the crew pulled off. There were no other cars, as the game was in the second half. We beat the traffic. 

We went down the road a little further, and the break in the trees unveiled a very small frat house. Quadruple Psi. The letters were displayed over the door. 

I looked at the crew in the driver’s seat. “What are we doing here?” I asked. 

The crew smiled, “I think we both know what tip saved our lives. Running. Thanks to our boy, pledge Carl.” 

“Yeah sure, but why are we here?”

“A gift.” They gestured to the back seat. 2 fresh and warm crab pretzels were wrapped up in a to-go box. 

“I got them from the vendor outside the stadium. For free, actually, they didn’t sell as many as they wanted to pregame. Go leave it on the doorstep and let’s get out of here.” 

I didn’t even speak, I just obliged. When I got back to the car, the crew was in the passenger seat with the bottle of tequila. 

They took a big swig, “letting loose like you asked.” 

I just laughed. 

I got behind the wheel and pulled onto the highway. I checked the rear view mirror and saw nothing. I took one more glance at the crew and smiled, just glad to be on the road with Maryland drivers.