College Town Touch down

If you’ve played football at any level, you’ve probably had some whacko coach who seems to only speak in dysphemisms as well as idioms and metaphors. He’s often not the head coach but is most likely the biggest talker of the staff. He’s also probably really old or has about 60 pounds of beer weight bursting out of his sweat wicking polo. Coaches will often bring out analogies when they’re trying to stress the importance of what they’re talking about. Sometimes they’re looking for a laugh and sometimes they feel it’s the best way they can convey their idea to their players. We’ve compiled some of our favorite sayings used by coaches or “coachisms” we’ve heard on practice fields and sidelines around the country.

“… and he don’t know his ass from a handful of sand about pass protection, pass blocking, none of this.”

“Don’t know his ass from a handful of sand” is what Nick Saban said in an interview when discussing Derrick Henry as a freshman at Alabama. A metaphor that would simply mean that the person you are referring to knows nothing. When you’re talking shit about a coworker, this could be a phrase you let creep into your lexicon.

“Kissing your sister”

I’m not sure what incestual pervert decided that this was an analogy that best described a game ending in a tie, but hopefully that guy isn’t coaching anymore. This phrase is very common across all sports, suggesting that tying isn’t as bad as losing, and it’s not as good as winning, say kissing your lover. I’d personally argue that nothing is worse than kissing your sister. If you’ve resorted to that you have certainly lost.

“They ran through our ass like shit through a tin horn.”

We could probably make a list of just Nick Saban’s figures of speech (e.g. rat poison). This is another classic from him in reference to Alabama’s 2011 game against Georgia Southern. The Tide won the National championship that season yet Saban was displeased with the lack of credit the Eagles received from media. This particular idiom is relatively easy to understand, albeit generating a pretty gross image. Shit would travel through a tin horn quite easily. Probably not as easily as a liquid, however we can’t speak on the viscosity of coach’s bowel movements.

“Put your dick on him”

Though this is probably frequently used in the locker room at Penn State, that’s not what we’re referencing here. This dysphemism is used when teaching tackling technique. Meeting a ball carrier “dick to dick” is a sure fire way to get him on the ground. It mostly means just staying square and breaking down, as well as proper foot placement when making a tackle. Statements like these are supposed to be comedic, and only certain coaches can pull them off while simultaneously getting their point across. Players will remember the saying and ultimately that’s the entire point.

“Making chicken salad out of chicken shit.”

This is an idiom for making the most out of a bad situation. Chicken salad made from chicken shit would not be desirable however, unless you really love mayo at any cost. This phrase is often used to imply that something good cannot be made from something that is wasteful. In this instance a coach may say, “you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit.” Which technically you could, it just might not sell better than the pastrami.

Some coaches may spend a little too much time in the thesaurus. A good analogy or a good speech can really help a coach connect with his players. Sometimes there is a disconnect that can be bridged through metaphor. Other times things coaches say can be memorable for the wrong reasons. Share a Coachism you’ll never forget with us!