College Town Touch down

If your boyfriend or husband watches sports, he probably bets on them too. You’re most likely stuck watching out of market NBA games because he swore a bench player was going to make 3 three pointers tonight. Instead he rolled his ankle and played 6 minutes with 2 fouls. That was just the first leg, or maybe the last. It makes no difference, as his outburst is all the same and you’re eating ramen for the rest of the week. Again. It’s possible that you’ve learned a thing or two about betting from watching him and his friends get together and constantly “cook up parlays”. If not, we’re here to help with some basic guidelines on the do’s and don’ts, as well as general info on some betting terminology. 

A parlay is a bet in which multiple separate wagers are combined into one. For a parlay to win, each individual wager or “leg” must all win. For example in a three leg parlay, someone may bet on the Alabama football team to win their game, the total points scored in a basketball game to be over 234 points, and Saquon Barkley to score a touchdown. Each individual wager (Alabama to win, over 234, and Barkley touchdown) must all be correct picks for the entire parlay to win. If any leg loses, the bet is lost. The idea behind parlays is that a bettor can risk a minimal amount of money for a large payout. Sportsbooks (meaning the site or app used to place the bet) want your boyfriend to bet parlays, as they have a lower chance of winning. We can get into the math of why parlays are a bad bet, but we’ll save that for a different time. Sportsbooks are predatory in that they will show off a bettor’s huge payday from a parlay, enticing other users to sign up and place parlays themselves. They’ll even offer boosts to the odds, meaning an increase in payout just to keep everyone betting. The math works in their favor and the more people place parlays, the fatter the pockets of the casinos and sportsbooks. 

When rooting for your degenerate boyfriend’s parlay, it’s important to know the odds. The odds will tell you how risky he’s getting. American sportsbook’s odds are presented as Moneyline odds. Moneyline odds are based on a $100 scale. If the odds have a (-) in front of them, the number after the (-) is how much money must be risked to profit $100. Often the Moneyline favorite (the team most likely to win a given game) is presented with (-) odds. If the odds are less favorable, they will have a (+) in front of them. This means if you risk $100, the number after the (+) is how much profit you’d earn if your bet wins. For example if the Philadelphia eagles are playing the New York Giants, the odds may be presented as such: 

Philadelphia -900

New York Giants +400

This would mean when betting the moneyline (again just picking who wins the game), a bettor would need to risk $900 to make a profit of $100 and collect $1,000 on the Eagles. It also means a bettor could place a $100 bet on the giants and profit $400 if they win, collecting $500 in total. 

A potentially easier way to understand the odds is to simply remove two zeros, making them based on a 1$ scale. The odds on the Giants in this instance would be 4-1. When your boyfriend’s parlay is +8500, or 85-1, you might as well be cancelling your manicure the moment he places the bet. He has no chance to win. 

If you made it this far with your gambler boyfriend, it probably means you don’t listen to your friends when you ask them for advice. I’m sure they told you long ago to leave Jake after he sold the patio furniture on Facebook marketplace so he could lock in a bet. But clearly you’re standing by your man, so let’s dive into the best and worst ways to react to his betting loss. 

The worst of it: what not to say.

“Maybe you should stop betting.” Or “I told you not to bet” 

He’s already bet on it. It’s done, and the money’s gone. Though you are absolutely CORRECT in this instance, he’s not going to want to hear it. At least now he can blow off steam on the patio, which recently just got a lot more spacious. 

“You suck at betting” 

Anything along these lines is completely disastrous. And let’s be completely clear again, you’re right. Pretty much everyone is bad at betting, though they’ll often lie and say they’re good at it. You and I however both know that he’s net negative, or you would at least have a new manicure to show for it. This one will especially sting if he’s lost a few in a row, because deep down somewhere in that addict brain, he knows you’re right too. 

“Why didn’t you bet ____ (the team that won rather than the team he chose)”

This one is a little more damning than the others. He bet what he bet because he thought that was the winner. If he had known who was going to win, he would have bet on them. Unfortunately for him it’s not that simple. Really any advice after a loss is useless, unless you’re calling the hotline for him. 

“I told you to take ____ (whomever won)”

Maybe you’ve grown a slight interest in betting as well, and as he was creating his parlay he may have asked for your opinion. You both knew he was going to do whatever he wanted regardless, maybe he just wanted you to feel included. (See guys Jake does care about me, he shares his interests with me.) You made the right call and he didn’t listen, and in your joy of being correct, you question his choices. Now not only is he wrong, but his girlfriend who couldn’t care less cooked up a phantom winner. He can’t tell what makes him more mad, because he definitely doesn’t even like women. 

If you’ve come to terms with the fact that all of your negative feedback isn’t going to make a difference, you might as well be that supportive girlfriend that all the addicts want. Here are some things you can say when shit hits the fan.

“Fuck ____ (whatever team lost that he bet on)” 

It’s probably the Jets. And when the inevitable is unfolding on a Sunday afternoon, his rage comes to a head. He’s probably cursing out individual players, coaches, the owner, or whomever. You can fuel the fire with genuine rage of your own with a disgruntled “fuck the Jets!” You are deflecting the blame from him (who the hell bets on the Jets) to the Jets themselves. All he wants is to feel like it’s not his fault, that he had it all right but the Jets are simply cursed. Your rage really was genuine, the Jets were the last leg and now you have to stop looking at the Nobu menu and get ready for another quiet ramen Sunday. 

“Why don’t you refer me and use the free money?” 

If he somehow didn’t refer you to every single betting app in your state after your third date at Olive Garden, this may be an absolute gem of a question the moment after a parlay loses. Most sportsbooks offer a referral bonus, because as we said before the more amateurs they can get to make an account and place some wagers, the richer they’ll get. Frustrated with the loss, he’s instantly okay with it because he gets to go right back and do his favorite thing; bet more. This time it’s on the house because he was awarded a bonus bet in honor of you joining the most forsaken fraternity of them all. Also you’ll get a bonus bet for signing up, and since you have no actual interest in betting you’ll let him bet your free money for you. Now by the time these bets lose, he’ll tell himself it was okay because it was “house money”. 

Perform a sexual favor. 

We don’t have to get too detailed here. Your boyfriend is obviously a man of many vices and it may be helpful for you to distract him from the misery of one vice with the joy of another. This is of course if by the end of his tantrum during the game you aren’t completely disgusted by him and down for some action. Talk about fucking the Jets. 

Say absolutely nothing at all. 

It’s very possible the best option would be removing yourself altogether. Send him to a sports bar with the fellas or a friend’s house. Whether you pretend to care or not, he knows you simply don’t care as much as him. He and all his degenerate friends can bond over their losses, and how close they were to “almost” winning their parlays. “Babe, I swear when this one hits we’ll skip Nobu altogether and just go straight to Japan. And I’ll even get us brand new patio furniture.” 

Good luck to your boyfriend. Maybe he’ll actually win one for once. Most importantly good luck to you if you’re taking our advice… though our best advice would be to listen to your friends.